Funny Quotes - Funny Sayings, Funniest Quotes I-F

I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting.
Mark Twain


I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Oscar Wilde


I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
Winston Churchill


I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
Spike Milligan


I just love Chinese food. My favourite dish is number 27.
Clement Atlee


I like a man who's good, but not too good - for the good die young, and I hate a dead one.
Mae West


I like children - fried.
W.C. Fields


I like my beer cold…my TV loud…and my homosexuals flaming.
Homer Simpson


I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner


I love everything about you. Your lips, your eyes, your voice. The only thing I can't stand is you.
Groucho Marx


I love mankind. It's people I can't stand.
Charles Monroe Schultz


I never drink water, fish fuck in it.
W.C. Fields


I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx


I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
Mae West


I never met a kid I liked.
W.C. Fields


I often take exercise. Why only yesterday I had breakfast in bed.
Oscar Wilde


I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
Eleanor Roosevelt


I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.
Mark Twain


I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.
Woody Allen


I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.
Woody Allen


I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.
Woody Allen


I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.
David Brent


I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Woody Allen


I used to be Snow White…but I drifted.
Mae West


I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
Homer Simpson


I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury.
George Burns


I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile, women shave on Saturday and most especially never to shave a Gentile woman on Saturday.
Woody Allen


I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
Woody Allen


I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
Woody Allen


I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
George Burns


If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
David Brent


If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no sense being a damn fool about it.
W. C. Fields


If it sells, it's art.
Frank Lloyd


If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen


If only God would give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once, anything, one sentence, two words. If He would just cough.
Woody Allen


If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers.
Homer Simpson


If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
David Brent


If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.
David Brent


If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
Mark Twain