Funny Quotes - Funny Sayings, Funniest Quotes H-I

He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That clearly points to a political career.
George Bernard Shaw


He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Groucho Marx


He who can does. He who cannot, teaches.
George Bernard Shaw


He who fights and runs away
May live to fight another day;
But he who is in battle slain
Can never rise and fight again.
Oliver Goldsmith


He who hesitates is a damned fool.
Mae West


He who hesitates is last.
Mae West


Hell is full of musical amateurs: music is the brandy of the damned.
George Bernard Shaw


Here's to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of life's problems.
Homer Simpson


He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
Mae West


He's the kind of man who picks his friends - to pieces.
Mae West


His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
Woody Allen


His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
Mae West


Home is the girl's prison and the woman's workhouse.
George Bernard Shaw


How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Woody Allen


I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Charles Lamb


I always say, keep a diary and some day it'll keep you.
Mae West


I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor


I am at two with nature.
Woody Allen


I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W.C. Fields


I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.
Noel Coward


I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
Joan Rivers


I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
Woody Allen


I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen


I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they terrify me.
Duke of Wellington


I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope


I don't know a lot about politics, but I can recognise a good party man when I see one.
Mae West


I don't like myself, I'm crazy about myself.
Mae West


I don't think sex could ever be as rewarding as winning the World Cup. It's not that sex is not great; just that the World Cup is only every four years and sex is a lot more regular than that.
Ronaldo


I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Woody Allen


I drink therefore I am.
W.C. Fields


I exercise extreme self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W. C. Fields


I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra


I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
Mae West


I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Woody Allen


I have always felt a gift diamond shines so much better than one you buy for yourself.
Mae West


I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.
Woody Allen


I have made an important discovery…that alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, produces all the effects of intoxication.
Oscar Wilde


I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Mark Twain