Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Funny Quotes - Funny Sayings, Funniest Quotes C-G



Chanel No. 5.
Marilyn Monroe
Asked what she wore in bed.


Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannise their teachers.
Socrates


Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off.
Ralph Bus


Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark Twain


Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work.
Will Rogers


Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Spike Milligan


Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
Brendan Behan


Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
George Bernard Shaw


Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
Will Rogers


Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.
George Burns


Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
Woody Allen


Don't have a cow, man.
Bart Simpson


Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.
Mae West


Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
Groucho Marx


Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.
Mae West


Don't talk to me about Naval tradition! It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.
Winston Churchill


Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.
Woody Allen


Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender.
Homer Simpson


Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Homer Simpson


Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland - rich and thick.
Samuel Beckett


Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Oprah Winfrey


Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
John Benfield


Eat my shorts.
Bart Simpson


English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England!
Homer Simpson


Epitaph for a dead waiter - God finally caught his eye.
George S. Kaufman


Eternity is really long, especially near the end.
Woody Allen


Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Will Rogers


Every man over forty is a scoundrel.
George Bernard Shaw


Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
Charles D. Warner


Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers


Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes.
Oscar Wilde


First law on holes - when you're in one, stop digging.
Denis Healey


Football is all very well a good game for rough girls, but not for delicate boys.
Oscar Wilde


For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
Woody Allen


Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
John F. Kennedy


From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx


Give a man a free hand and he'll try to put it all over you.
Mae West


Give me chastity and continence, but not yet!
Saint Augustine


Giving up smoking is easy. I've done it hundreds of times.
Author Unknown
Often erroneously attributed to Mark Twain.


Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
Mae West


Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Will Rogers


'Goodness, what beautiful diamonds!' 'Goodness had nothing to do with it'.
Mae West

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