I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.
Groucho Marx
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx
I've often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me.
Woody Allen
Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.
David Brent
Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Mark Twain
Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.
Homer Simpson
Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
Woody Allen
Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day, and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
Homer Simpson
Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.
Mae West
Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
Ambrose Bierce
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Woody Allen
Love may be blind, but it can sure find its way around in the dark!
Author Unknown
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
Rita Rudner
Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
Homer Simpson
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Mae West
Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.
George Bernard Shaw
Men are all alike - except the one you've met who's different.
Mae West
Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
Rita Rudner
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Rita Rudner
Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
Rita Rudner
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
Men like women with a past because they hope history will repeat itself.
Mae West
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Groucho Marx
Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Spike Milligan
Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.
Spike Milligan
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen
More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Woody Allen
Most of the time I don't have any fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Woody Allen
Mr. Right is coming. But he's in Africa and he's walking.
Oprah Winfrey
My ex-husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.
Woody Allen
My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan
My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf
On US soldiers attacking Baghdad.
My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing will begin in five minutes.
Ronald Reagan
US president during radio microphone test.
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Ed Furgol
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
Groucho Marx
My name is Saddam Hussein. I am the president of Iraq, and I want to negotiate.
Saddam Hussein
To US troops who captured him in a hole in the ground near Tikrit.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Woody Allen
My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.
Woody Allen
My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked.
Winston Churchill
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
Woody Allen
If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
John Wayne
If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.
David Brent
If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.
David Brent
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Woody Allen
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Woody Allen
I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
George Burns
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
George Burns
I'm not a fighter, I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
Woody Allen
I'm not normally a religious man, but... if you're up there, save me, Superman!
Homer Simpson
I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers.
Woody Allen
I'm tired, send one of them home.
Mae West
When told there were 10 men waiting to meet her in her dressing-room.
In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol and it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.
George Best
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
Woody Allen
In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.
Woody Allen
In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Oscar Wilde
Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
Will Rogers
Intellectuals are like the mafia; they only kill their own.
Woody Allen
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Woody Allen
Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
Woody Allen
Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?
Mae West
Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
Spike Milligan
It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar.
Jerome K. Jerome
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
Woody Allen
It is most unwise for people in love to marry.
George Bernard Shaw
It is perfectly monstrous the way people go about nowadays saying things against one, behind one's back, that are absolutely and entirely true.
Oscar Wilde
It is very easy to endure the difficulties of one's enemies. It is the successes of one's friends that are hard to bear.
Oscar Wilde
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
George Burns
It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
Joan Rivers
It's better to be looked over than overlooked.
Mae West
It's not the men in my life that counts, it's the life in my men.
Mae West
It's not the people who are in prison worry me. It's the people who aren't.
Arthur Gore
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Mark Twain
It's not true I had nothing on. I had the radio on.
Marilyn Monroe
On posing nude for a calendar photograph.
It's not what I do, but the way I do it. It's not what I say, but the way I say it.
Mae West
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
George Burns
It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad. We watch an appalling amount of TV.
Lisa Simpson
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
It's the team that matters. Where would The Beatles be without Ringo? If John got Yoko to play drums the history of music would be completely different.
David Brent
It's worse than dog eats dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls.
Woody Allen
I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting.
Mark Twain
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Oscar Wilde
I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
Winston Churchill
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
Spike Milligan
I just love Chinese food. My favourite dish is number 27.
Clement Atlee
I like a man who's good, but not too good - for the good die young, and I hate a dead one.
Mae West
I like children - fried.
W.C. Fields
I like my beer cold…my TV loud…and my homosexuals flaming.
Homer Simpson
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner
I love everything about you. Your lips, your eyes, your voice. The only thing I can't stand is you.
Groucho Marx
I love mankind. It's people I can't stand.
Charles Monroe Schultz
I never drink water, fish fuck in it.
W.C. Fields
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx
I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
Mae West
I never met a kid I liked.
W.C. Fields
I often take exercise. Why only yesterday I had breakfast in bed.
Oscar Wilde
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
Eleanor Roosevelt
I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.
Mark Twain
I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.
Woody Allen
I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.
Woody Allen
I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.
Woody Allen
I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.
David Brent
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Woody Allen
I used to be Snow White…but I drifted.
Mae West
I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
Homer Simpson
I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury.
George Burns
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile, women shave on Saturday and most especially never to shave a Gentile woman on Saturday.
Woody Allen
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
Woody Allen
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
Woody Allen
I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
George Burns
If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
David Brent
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no sense being a damn fool about it.
W. C. Fields
If it sells, it's art.
Frank Lloyd
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen
If only God would give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once, anything, one sentence, two words. If He would just cough.
Woody Allen
If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers.
Homer Simpson
If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
David Brent
If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.
David Brent
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
Mark Twain
He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That clearly points to a political career.
George Bernard Shaw
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Groucho Marx
He who can does. He who cannot, teaches.
George Bernard Shaw
He who fights and runs away
May live to fight another day;
But he who is in battle slain
Can never rise and fight again.
Oliver Goldsmith
He who hesitates is a damned fool.
Mae West
He who hesitates is last.
Mae West
Hell is full of musical amateurs: music is the brandy of the damned.
George Bernard Shaw
Here's to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of life's problems.
Homer Simpson
He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
Mae West
He's the kind of man who picks his friends - to pieces.
Mae West
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
Woody Allen
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
Mae West
Home is the girl's prison and the woman's workhouse.
George Bernard Shaw
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Woody Allen
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Charles Lamb
I always say, keep a diary and some day it'll keep you.
Mae West
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
I am at two with nature.
Woody Allen
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W.C. Fields
I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.
Noel Coward
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
Joan Rivers
I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
Woody Allen
I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen
I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they terrify me.
Duke of Wellington
I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope
I don't know a lot about politics, but I can recognise a good party man when I see one.
Mae West
I don't like myself, I'm crazy about myself.
Mae West
I don't think sex could ever be as rewarding as winning the World Cup. It's not that sex is not great; just that the World Cup is only every four years and sex is a lot more regular than that.
Ronaldo
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Woody Allen
I drink therefore I am.
W.C. Fields
I exercise extreme self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W. C. Fields
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
Mae West
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Woody Allen
I have always felt a gift diamond shines so much better than one you buy for yourself.
Mae West
I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.
Woody Allen
I have made an important discovery…that alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, produces all the effects of intoxication.
Oscar Wilde
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Mark Twain
Chanel No. 5.
Marilyn Monroe
Asked what she wore in bed.
Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannise their teachers.
Socrates
Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off.
Ralph Bus
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark Twain
Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work.
Will Rogers
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Spike Milligan
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
Brendan Behan
Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
George Bernard Shaw
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
Will Rogers
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.
George Burns
Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
Woody Allen
Don't have a cow, man.
Bart Simpson
Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.
Mae West
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
Groucho Marx
Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.
Mae West
Don't talk to me about Naval tradition! It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.
Winston Churchill
Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.
Woody Allen
Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender.
Homer Simpson
Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Homer Simpson
Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland - rich and thick.
Samuel Beckett
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Oprah Winfrey
Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
John Benfield
Eat my shorts.
Bart Simpson
English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England!
Homer Simpson
Epitaph for a dead waiter - God finally caught his eye.
George S. Kaufman
Eternity is really long, especially near the end.
Woody Allen
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Will Rogers
Every man over forty is a scoundrel.
George Bernard Shaw
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
Charles D. Warner
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers
Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes.
Oscar Wilde
First law on holes - when you're in one, stop digging.
Denis Healey
Football is all very well a good game for rough girls, but not for delicate boys.
Oscar Wilde
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
Woody Allen
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
John F. Kennedy
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx
Give a man a free hand and he'll try to put it all over you.
Mae West
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet!
Saint Augustine
Giving up smoking is easy. I've done it hundreds of times.
Author Unknown
Often erroneously attributed to Mark Twain.
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
Mae West
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Will Rogers
'Goodness, what beautiful diamonds!' 'Goodness had nothing to do with it'.
Mae West
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Mark Twain
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said 'no'.
Woody Allen
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.
Ronald Knox
A hard man is good to find.
Mae West
A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.
Mae West
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
Mae West
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Groucho Marx
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on.
Sam Goldwyn
A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
W.C. Fields
A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.
Rudyard Kipling
Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
Dilbert
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
George Burns
Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will.
Homer Simpson
Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.
Homer Simpson
All animals are equal but some are more equal than others.
George Orwell
All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
Alexander Woollcott
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
Oscar Wilde
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
Mark Twain
Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.
Winston Churchill
Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Mark Twain
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.
Mae West
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
Woody Allen
Another such victory, and we are undone.
Pyrrhus
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx
Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.
Mae West
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Woody Allen
Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies.
Oliver Goldsmith
Avoid employing unlucky people. Throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.
David Brent
Bart, stop pestering Satan!
Marge Simpson
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Homer Simpson
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain
Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.
Desmond Morris
But a lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.
George Bernard Shaw
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
